You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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