Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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