So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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