I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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