it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
