Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
