can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
