the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
