I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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