I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
