Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
