at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
