Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
