he puts the penis in happiness.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
is that a dick in a sweater?
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