you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
