I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
