I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We are all done wearing pants today
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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