I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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