I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
