My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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