I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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