In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
