Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
