he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
