last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
