there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
