Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
