I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
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I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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