you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
