I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
