why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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