i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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