I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She even gives head with a lisp.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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