where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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