Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
