What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
