someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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