do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
50% drunk capacity currently
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
