perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
