I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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