I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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