you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
