We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
