Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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