my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
