I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
