Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
