He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
