I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
