my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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