Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Randomize
