Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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