I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
