That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
