I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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