Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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