So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
