It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
