Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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