Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
