god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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