Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
